Well, hello! It's been a very long time. Truthfully, I haven't wanted to write. My entire being has been through an emotional rollercoaster this year and it felt easier to hide. Whew--even writing that I was hiding was difficult to type.
The last time we "spoke", I had been broken up with as a wonderful 40th birthday gift. What a way to start a new year! That was complete sarcasm, in case I didn't convey it as such. My loved ones stepped in big time for me at that moment and I will forever be grateful. The rest of my year has been a journey of ups and downs, honestly. As much as I am blessed that the relationship ended, I beat myself up over my many mistakes. I'm human, what can I say?
So what have I been up to? I've traveled a bit, I've cried a lot, I have laughed and I started dating again. I moved to a different city (same metro area), I've deepened some friendships and some have drifted away. I've experienced covid twice, in a mere ten weeks. I've lived in 2022 which is a far cry from 2020 - 2021. I don't have the bandwidth to write everything that has happened since January, but I would like to journal a bit about an experience I had recently.
For those unaware, I am a birthmother. That means I chose to place my son for adoption before he was born. No, I didn't give my baby up. No, I didn't give him away. And no, foster care and adoption are not the same thing. We can have a deeper discussion in the future about this if you'd like.
For many years, being a birth mom had negative social connotations. People would smile in my face and then turn around with judgment to the nth degree. Over the years, the idea of adoption has begun to shift. Birthmoms are starting to be supported and loved about their choice. Although I did not experience this in the beginning of my adoption journey, I am very grateful now to be able to join support groups with other birthmoms. Last year, I learned about an organization that exists solely to send adoptive families on all expenses paid vacations. Last year, they decided to include birth moms in this blessing. They had an application process, I submitted, and I was not chosen. I was a bit (a lot) upset if I'm perfectly honest. But as they say, patience is a virtue.
This year, the applications for the birthmom trip opened again and I nominated myself. And out of hundreds of applications, I was chosen alon side 13 other birth moms for 5 days in Florida, to include time at Disney World. I won't use this post to recap each day, each adventure, and each moment, but I would like to share one very special moment with you.
Our first day/night in the park, we had a VIP experience. We were led by two amazing cast mates, Kate and Whitney, and they led us through the parks spouting Disney trivia, taking us to the front of rides, and making sure we stayed hydrated. They were fun, kind, and truly made our experience magical. Every night, the Magic Kingdom has a fireworks show and since we were VIP, we were given a fenced off space with astroturf on the ground on which to sit and experience the magic in full. The show begins with colorful lights exploding in the night sky and I am handed a Mickey Mouse ice cream sandwich.
At the exact moment that I take my first bite, the song from Beauty and the Beast begins to play. As a child, I felt very unloved and unwanted and I found solace in books. In the film, books are plentiful and as a child, the movie made me feel like loving books was more than ok--that it was a wonderful thing. And I feel such joy in that moment watching the show.
The music then transitions to A Little Mermaid and little CoCo (me as a child) remembers how Disney movies taught me that a man would swoop in and save me and I'd live happily ever after. And current CoCo (watching the fireworks) begins to think about all the times in my younger years where I was hurt that a man didn't come to save me. And then I began to think about how I became a woman that can (and does) save herself.
The music transitions again to A Whole New World from the Aladdin movie, and this is the moment where I lose it. I begin weeping with joy realizing just how far I've come in life. The heartaches, the tragedies, the highs and lows and somehow these experiences brought me to this magical place at this exact moment in time with these beautiful souls surrounding me. It was, and is, a moment I will never forget.
Phew. There's so much more inside me that I want to say, but I think I'll end it here. I'll post a few photos from the trip below.Thank you for reading. I love you and you're worthy.